As I mentioned last week, I was in a bit of a slump. I thought it had passed, til I found myself blogging and crying. I am the type of person who holds a lot of emotions inside. I don’t like to talk about it. Which is the worst thing you can do. So here I am in tears typing as all these emotions are boiling up. The main thing that boils up is regret. I like to act like I have no regret in my life, and that everything is as I have planned. The truth is, I do regret things. I know that every decision I made has gotten me to this point. I also feel though, that many times I took the path less travelled, leading to the path of most resistance. All leading to me taking the most difficult way to get to the same result.
I won’t admit it to anyone because I never admit that I have failed. To me it feels like a failure, you may see it differently. So many things in my life could have gone a different way, if instead of wanting to be rebellious I would have just gone with the flow of things. Don’t get me wrong, I am not completely unhappy with the way my life has turned out. I just feel that there are some things, which hold more importance that I have shoved aside to do things my way.
Since I was a little girl, I always like to think I get my way, I like to think things work out when I want. I have passed up on many opportunities in my personal life, with family, with love and with friends simply because I wanted things to go my way. What I now know is that relationships are about compromise, no relationship comes without give and take. The saddest part is to achieve professional achievement and to still feel you are missing something. I feel like that everyday. I feel that I have sacrificed parts of myself that were supposed to stay. For that I will always be sorry. I really didn’t mean to do that. Now I can look at myself in the mirror and what I see is a woman that lives behind a shield. She never completely lets go, she is always holding back… She is empty. She is in search of something she lost long ago and sadly she can never get it back.
This was a bit of a rant, needed to get things off my chest. If I could share a message from all of this with someone, and perhaps when I have a child one day. It is important to seize the moment in everything you do. However, while seizing that moment, don’t be afraid to hold on to the ones you love. You don’t have to let go of the ones you love and the ones who love you in order to achieve your goals. That’s where I was wrong. I thought they didn’t understand, and that I could only do it alone. I needed their love through this, that’s what I didn’t know. That their love would give me strength through my journey.
I am sorry. It took me a while to see it. I know I can’t turn back the hands of time, some of you are long gone but I am sorry.
Am I the only person who feels this way? What did you do to get over this feeling?
