I share a lot of things with you, I feel we have gotten to know each other for a bit since I started writing. I felt I could take this up a notch, and let you guys in a bit more. Give you guys a better picture of who I am. Give you guys an idea of all the pieces that make me.
My mom loved me always, for a long time I resented my mom. I loved her for bringing me to earth but in my early teens there were certain things that I didn’t understand until now. Some of them I still don’t understand, but I have learned to forgive her. She loved me the best way she knew how.
When I was 19 years old, my step father kicked me out of the house. The divide in the house between him and I started in my early teens, he was eagerly waiting for me to turn 19 so he could kick me out. Still don’t really know why. All I knew from 12 years old to 19 years old, I longed for my mom to stick up for me. I mean after all she was my mother, somehow as the years passed I would get more, and more disapointed, every time she didn’t stick up for me.
I just wanted her to do something, say something. She didn’t and that’s where the resentment grew from.
Now I get it kind of, she probably didn’t want to get married a third time, and wanted to make it work. At the time, I didn’t get it, I was so angry, and felt so alone. I thought my mom didn’t love me. People would ask me “How could you not love your mom?” filled with anger I would simply say: “Well she doesn’t love me, if she did she wouldn’t kick me out on the street at 19 with nowhere to go!!!” . I was hurt, but I would never let that hurt show. I grew thick skin, and I kept moving through life. What people didn’t know is, I was a mommy’s girl growing up. I was very close with my mom. I think that’s why I expected her to still be the same when I was a teenager.
Anyway, I grew older continued to resent her. I stopped talking to my parents, and sharing anything with my parents for about 5 years. I had to distance myself to gain strenght on my own. Whenever I would speak to her, I realized I was still angry- I would always ask her “Why did you not stick up for me?” , “Why did you just let me go on my own like that?”. I don’t really remember the exact moment that I stopped resenting her. I think I just got older. I think time healed things, and made me see things from a different perspective. Although I forgave her, I still hold back when I am with my mom, not because I don’t love her. Just because I have never really learned how to have a conversation with her that didn’t involve hurt. I have never had her hug me, other than when I was a child. For those reasons, I grew thick skin, and a strong appearance.
A couple of years ago, I met my mother for dinner. I looked in her eyes, and for the first time I saw she was sorry. She never actually said she was sorry but I could see in her eyes that she was sorry. I could see for the first time that she loved me through all of this, and none of this was because she didn’t love me. I could see in her eyes, how happy she was to see me, her eyes lit up, and glowed. I saw how beautiful she still was after all these years. After the dinner, she said bye to me, and I could see she wondered if I would ever let her in. If I would ever get passed this, to have a normal relationship with her. I could see all those thoughts going through her head. I didn’t say anything, I said bye, and started walking away. Then I turned around, and gave her a hug. Which I had never done before, since growing up. She was happy, and I think she understood at that point that I was trying my best.
I still deal with these emotions. Although I have learned how to forgive, some things that I went through due to this situation are still part of my character, such as having a hard exterior.
