To all the men who have loved me before… there were a few things that I should have explained to you that I never took the time to. Love, as you know it, is probably different than as I know it. I know it took me a long time to see that you really loved me, I questioned it over and over. I didn’t believe you when you said the three words every woman wants to hear “I LOVE YOU”, to me sounded like “I MIGHT LOVE YOU”. I was never able to just accept it, and believe that it could be genuine to think that I was worthy of it. So you stayed and tried to show me. You think I would have noticed by your patience, and the length of time you stuck around. NOPE !!!! Wasn’t enough for me, I wanted to see more proof. I asked you to jump through hoops for me, YOU DID !!!! You did all the tricks I asked you to do. You did them with a smile, convinced that this time I would finally see. I thought so too. What I didn’t realize is that by making you walk through my maze, with each walk, with each test I asked you to go through, you got weaker and grew more tired.
Still you kept on, I think you kept on because you knew that your love was true, and although I wasn’t showing my love the way you thought it should be showed. You knew that deep inside of me, I had a lot of love for you. Still you jumped through hoops wondering to yourself, “AT WHAT COST?” You couldn’t put your finger on the WHY I was like this, but you saw with time (I hope, I think) that it was something that I couldn’t even control.
One day the dreadful day, you look in my eyes. Before you even speak, I know what you are about to say its written in your eyes. You have run out of energy for all these obstacles I am making you go through. You don’t want to let go, but you don’t know what else to do. I have seen this happen before. So I just look at you, bracing myself for the moment that hurts the most, for the moment I was trying to avoid. You start off with a long speech and all I hear is bits and pieces “… I love you….. I always did… I don’t know what else to do… I have tried my best….you don’t seem to see it…remember I love you” . Tears roll down your cheeks, my heart falls to the ground and shatters to pieces.
I’ve managed to do it again. Once again I have sabotaged a great thing in my life. It took all of these theatrics for me to see that you loved me. I loved you, a lot. I just didn’t know how to show it. I have never grown up in a home with a mother and father who show each other love. How do you expect me to show you the kind of love you show me? I have never seen it first hand. It doesn’t mean I loved you less. In my past I have been left by the people who loved me the most, how do you explain that one? Maybe that’s why I don’t hear you when you say ” I LOVE YOU”. I just want to make sure you really know what you are saying to me when you say that, I want to make sure you know what it means to me. I sit here alone with my tears after you walked way, this type of separation is the worst because it wasn’t a lack of love. It was actually an abundance of love that I was unable to take notice of. How stupid of me.
One thing is for certain, this has happened to me one too many times. That time was the last, I can’t keep losing all the great ones, due to my doings. Since that day, I have made an effort to be more aware of my weaknesses in showing others love. I can’t and will not go down this road again. Dear future guy who will love me, please be patient with me I am working on learning how to love you, the way you will love me.
