Written by krissy December 28th, 2009 | Published in Broken Heel Diaries | 2 Comments
The past week has been an emotional roller coaster to say the least. I have been told that I place myself in these situations by having men take control of my emotions. I have also witnessed with other women that I am not the only one. Why do we give men so much power in our lives? Why is it that for some of us women, if a man does something hurtful to us it will automatically shift our mood?
I spent three days last week being incredibly sad over a guy. I was hurt and I sat there and allowed him to take over my thoughts and emotions for a whole 72hrs. Could I have done otherwise? Probably, but for some reason I always let the thoughts of things going wrong with a guy consume me. It doesn’t matter how well things are going in other areas. Which at this time everything else is going exceptionally well. I have a huge fear, and it is often a dream I have over and over where I am successful I achieve all the things I want professionally, and I am alone. I always feel like I am choosing one or the other. A lot of the heartache I find myself in these days is because I chose my career first in the past, the thought of getting everything I want is grand. I feel closer to my dreams everyday. However, the thought of having everything and not having what I dream of most; a family because I see myself getting older, scares me.
That is why I am hurt and allow men to consume my emotions so much. With every good potential candidate that leaves my life, I feel that I am one step further away from my idea of a family, the immediate family I never had. I know what everyone says, it will happen. Well guess what? It still bothers me. I feel that its the only area of my life which I have no control over. I am getting older, I don’t have anyone serious in my life and the people who I thought would be my life partners “are not ready”, whatever that means. The point is, I have no doubt that I will attain anything I put my mind to career wise, perhaps its the fact that I am in control of my professional life, that I would like to be in control of my love life as well. Unfortunately that is not the case, I am at the brink of a great career change that will be everything I have wanted, yet still I cannot be happy because I feel that I sacrificed love for my career.
Have you ever felt this way? What have you done not to feel like this?
You pretty muched just summed up my life – and in fact, i feel better knowing that someone else is actually going through the same thing. Not because misery loves company, more that, maybe we are really the norm but are just hiding in the closet (not w R. Kelly) because society has painted the picture of what “normal” is. It’s kinda crazy but I always use Halle Berry as an example. She had such bad relationships or none at all, highly successful, gorgeous, great personality! And it’s not till she is in her 40’s does she find love and have a baby. I think sometimes you have to just get so frustrated by the situation and GIVE UP! Except that you are going to only have yourself as company for eternity! lol. I think once we love ourselves enough to not NEED a man in our lives…is usually when the RIGHT one shows up. Self love – its the secret ingredient.
Now if i could only take my own advice…. haha!
amazing blog, i so love it!
Jen
Jen, I am glad to know that I was not the only one, and that in sharing I was able to help you realize that as well. I don’t think I have so much given up, as much as chosen not to focus on that aspect of my life right now. I am married to my career at this point. You are absolutely right, we have to love ourselves enough to not NEED a man in our lives but we can love ourselves enough to maybe want one?!
Thank you for sharing, thanks for your compliment.