You met me at a time where I was extremely hurt, and felt life had abandoned me. There you were with your heart in your hands, ready to go for the gold. I was intrigued, you enticed me. The beginning was lovely, no one had ever showed me so much love and I liked it. You swooned me with your stare, with your touch, with your kiss.

Then my baggage started to come undone, you said I love you and I said I hate you. Your loving words were responded by hurtful words from me. You tried to hug me, and get closer, I pushed you away. I did not think I was worthy of all this love. I think I was battling myself.  You ran to the moon for me and every single time, I acted as though it wasn’t enough. Still you stood beside me, and tried to figure out how you were going to get through to me. You words were loving, my words were hurtful. Your smile and touch were caring, I was everything but. Your eyes would gaze into my soul trying to find a bit of light, I guess you saw underneath it all that I was hurt and I could love maybe, if I wanted to. I threw fits, I stomped my feet, I battled and you stood tall holding my hand smiling through it all. I thought to myself “What’s wrong with this guy? Why won’t he just leave me alone?” You knew I was hurt and needed someone so you held my hand through the pain, as I continued to hurt you. I was an ultimate B*tch no other way to say it, everyone saw it and told you I am sure, but you refused to believe that I was actually that way. You couldn’t put your finger on it but you knew something was going on inside of me that was bigger than you.

Really, there was nothing you could have done. I was unhappy with myself, I had unresolved issues that I was bringing into the relationship. I couldn’t love you back, because I didn’t even know how to love myself and feel worthy enough. I am not writing this because I want to relive all the pain I have caused you. I am writing this to let you know that it was ME. I was battling myself. There was nothing wrong with you. I wish I knew at the time, what I was going through and the pain I was inflicting on you. I did not think of the consequences until it was much too late.

A year later, after walking out on you (walking out on me), I had time to think about all I had done.  It dawned on me that I was fighting myself and I had a lot of work to do to get better. I needed to forgive, to move past certain situations. I was carrying a lot of resentment and regrets towards people.  I wanted to call you, I did not have your number anymore. I didn’t know where you lived. I cried at night and prayed hoping that you would hear that I was sorry, that I should never have treated you that way. I will never forget that day, I got on the bus from Montreal to Toronto. I had looked for you throughout the whole Christmas break from school, to no avail. I sat on the bus thinking in my head “I hope he walks on this bus so I can finally tell him how I feel”. Then I thought, who am I kidding what are the odds. Long behold you walked on the bus, looking as if someone had stolen all your joy, looking as if someone had ripped your heart out and stepped all over it. You looked beat down, as though you had just come back from a war. Your eyes didn’t glow, your face didn’t smile. God answered my prayers, I know you were shell shocked to see me, you probably wanted to get off the bus. You allowed me to sit beside you and you listened to me, even when it hurt you. You gave me a chance to apologize. I know it was too late, the pain was already inflicted but you still let me in. You loved me when it hurt !

Years have passed, as I reflect on that situation I hold it as an example of what it meant to have someone love me. That was true love, the love that stands by your side to fight with you through your demons. The love that holds your hand even when it hurts, and when you hurt them. I want that kind of love again, the love that is there in bad times as much as good. Thank you for showing me what it means to love someone, to stand beside them no matter what. To have shown me such loyalty. You have not only set an example in my life for how I should be loved. You have showed me how I should love myself.

I love you and I always will, I hope you know that from the bottom of my heart. I thought I should take this moment to let you know, it was nothing you did wrong, I did not love myself enough to understand what love was.