For every step forward I make in my relationship with my mother, I feel that the wounds I thought were healed aren’t fully healed as yet. I love my mother, despite everything. We had a very trying few year, I wrote about here.

The older I got, I realized that I needed to make the effort to make the best of the relationship we have. So once in a while, I make plans to meet with her. Ever single time I do, I brace myself so that my old wounds don’t open again. Sometimes they do, sometimes they don’t. Tonight I invited her over for dinner, we had a great meal, great conversation. Just when it was time for her to go she said “You could have been so much better in life if you had listened to me, If you hadn’t made us kick you out of the house”. Those words came through like swords. They pierced me deeply, and instantly I could feel old pain coming back.

I know that parents are not perfect, I know they only want the best for us. Sometimes though, I get caught up in the words that she says and I feel like the teenage me. I feel the pain I used to feel before.

I think I have done great for myself, I am proud of who I am becoming. I wish she could do the same. It seems she will never be satisfied with where I am heading in life. Maybe that’s every parent. Anyway, today I have decided that she will never stop saying those things. I rather think that radically then to feel that sharp pain again.  Throughout my teenage years, it took me a lot to look past that pain and persevere.

I love her because I know she does the best she can. I know she does not purposely do this. The fact remains that hurtful words are hurtful words. I understand and accept that you can love someone without allowing them the power to hurt you.