In another time, he had my heart, infact he still does. No matter the time passed, or the distance what was special between us still is. Even something as simple as an email from him, can make me feel happier than seeing some people in person. He makes me so happy. What’s the problem you ask? We are not together, not sure if we will ever be. I do know that the feelings I feel for him, have never been this way with anyone. I date other guys, entertain the thought of of falling in love… Nothing compares to what I have with him though. Together or not. It’s just not the same with the others. They don’t quite understand me, they don’t quite share that same brain wave lenght that him and I are on. The one where we finish each other’s thoughts, or know what we are thinking without speaking. Or how magically when I am thinking about him, he’s thinking about me. Sometimes although he is far away, and we don’t speak or communicate often I hear a melody, I hear a song and automatically I think of him. I hear a word, smell a scent, go to a familiar place we used to go to.
I tried many times to convince myself that I should walk away from him, that I was just walking into a trap. So I took some time, created some distance, not because he isn’t good but with him and I – it’s so grand that its all or nothing. There is something to be said about this because, we cannot be speaking for months, no communication and somehow he crosses my mind at least once a day, if not more. I am not only completely secretely in love with him, but I am so proud of him and feel so empowered wtih him in my life. He encourages me, believes in me and always seeks to make the better decision for me. Even if it means that’s the decision I am not ok with. He is my rock. I say secretely in love with him, because he knows how I feel I am sure, and I know how he feels about me. However, because of the dynamics of our situation, I am forced to set my feelings aside (still dont know how to do that) and get out there and live and meet other people. I have done it and continue to do it, but like I said nothing can beat that.
Am I sad that I am not getting what I want right now, I used to be, but when I see how far we have come 6 years later almost 7 and how much we have grown. When I see that he is living his dream, when I see that he is still my biggest fan; I can’t help but be filled with happiness from head to toe. To know that after all these years, we have weathered the storm and still manage to share this special thing of ours, that’s all I need to know.
Maybe one day I meet someone that makes me feel that way, until then he is the one that makes my the happiest. Maybe we will never be, who knows… I do know that what we share is very special, and I won’t settle for anything less than that. Even if it means I will have to be alone forever. I refuse to settle for anything less than this feeling, the sweetest thing I have known. No matter what happens, I will always love him, that’s a fact.
What would you do in my shoes?
image courtesy of Weheartit
