This past week has been an emotional roller coaster and a half. I am determined that some people are in your life to create complete and utter chaos. What do you do when those people are related to you? Most importantly, what do you do when that person is your parent?

Let me back up first and say, I have always been a fighter. At an early age, I had to fend for myself and figure things out on my own. I fought my way through the tears, pain, while hoping and praying that I would never be in such a vulnerable state. I vowed to myself that no matter what, I would fight so that I would never have to feel that hurt and pain again. In order to do so, I took some time to myself without the people that were hurting me. I focused on my personal growth. I told myself that maybe someday when I felt strong enough, when I felt that these people couldn’t affect my well being anymore that I would revisit my relationship with them. It took a lot of work. It took a lot of time. Luckily, I had loving friends around me that filled in roles in my life. I fought all the time so I wouldn’t give up on myself.

Now fast forward, 10 years later. I have grown, I have forgiven and I feel that in the past few years I have been handling those relationships better. They have been trying but I have been better equipped to deal with them. Today was the straw that broke the camels back, it seems that no matter how hard I try to work on my behavior, I cannot change the behavior of others. My mother somehow owns the motherboard of all my buttons to push to set me off, and I am not talking about petty things either. She somehow has the power to take me right back to when I was 19. Incredible, as though all those years of growing meant nothing. She can just bring me right back, with one conversation.

Today, it happened. I reached that 19 year old vulnerable me in less than 30 seconds. I was really scared actually to see that I could feel those exact feelings that I never wanted to feel again. I can no longer invite people to make me feel that way, I can no longer entertain situations that bring out that side of me. As harsh as it may seems, I made a promise to myself that I would never feel this way. I want to keep it !