My Mr. and I have this thing we call “clock speed”, we use this term to refer to the speed of things in our relationship. It used to be that I was going “too fast” and he was going “slower”.  For the last while, we have been on the same “clock speed”. No arguments, no disagreements, no feelings hurt,  no questions.  This is how we managed to make it to the same time. Last night we had a disagreement, for the first time in a long time. Which is fine, because  I think it brings to the light that it is impossible for us to agree on everything. There are bound to be disagreements. I think its how we deal with them that determines everything.

I can’t lie, I am sometimes to blame for how the disagreements go from mild to hot tempered. A lot of times I have to remind myself to take it easy, and pick my battles. Why am I like this? I am not sure. What bothered me about our disagreement yesterday is that he said “be mindful of the clock speed”, what to him was a “friendly reminder” to me was a threat. I took it as him saying “be careful you behaving this way is going to make me go slower and pull back”. Although he explained that he was simply reminding me, I didn’t take it as such. In saying that, I feel that it was a way to keep me in check and that I don’t like. Now I feel that I have to walk on eggshells so that he doesn’t pull back. I don’t like that, because now I am afraid that anything I do will result in him pulling back. As where before we were naturally on the same “clock speed”, now I will always wonder if what I am doing will cause him to pull back. I don’t like having that in the back of my mind. Now instead of simply being in the moment I will always question my actions and his reaction to them.

What do you think about this?

I am not angry or upset at any of this, I just felt I had to let it out by writing about it. I just don’t like the though of our “clock speed” changing, or the fact of thinking that I am the only one that can be responsible for this happening.