I have had to pack this weekend, for my move on Tuesday and I have been procrastinating. I found everything under the sun to do but pack… I have been moving every year since I was 19 (when I got kicked out), so for 9 years now. Every year hoping that I find a place that feels a bit more like home, a place that I can stay in for more than a year. That has yet to happen. The thing about moving every year is, you know that once a year, you have to go through all of the items you have collected over the years and put them away. Going through those items is like going through memory lane, for better or worse. With this move I have decided to rid myself of all the things I have been holding on to that are simply taking space in my life, things that I have been holding on to for no good reason.  Clothing, items, pictures, emotions, everything. I want a fresh start.

After much consideration, I have realized that in order to attain a specific financial goal I would only be able to reach it by moving back home. It took me about 6 months to come to terms with it, I saw it as a set back. I saw my wings being clipped every time I thought about it. So, when it came to packing this weekend, I was reluctant to do so as I am going back to a place where I was once unwelcome. Truth be it, if I hadn’t been kicked out, I would probably still be living at home.  I decided that the goal I had to reach was far greater than dealing with going back home, the sacrifice seems very small compared to the end goal. I have a very specific agenda in the next 6 months, and I am willing to do anything to meet it, even if it means going back somewhere that makes me feel very vulnerable.

Everyone asks me how I am going to deal with it, especially my close friends who saw me go through the drama when I lived at home. I am not sure to be honest, I just know that my goal is bigger than all of that.

That being said, reaching this goal to me signifies ending a cycle and beginning a new one. The only way I can begin this new cycle successfully is to take a step back. Getting the “approval” from the step father  to come back home was like pulling teeth, as I had to endure my mother sitting there like a mime, as though she had no say. As much as I wanted to lose it, I asked God for strength, and kept my goal in mind. I am moving back for one thing, and one thing only. Waiting for his “approval”, having him talk down to me, having my mother be a mime and not stand up for me stirred up a lot of emotions. I cried for most of the day today, all of these tears brought me back to 9 years ago, I felt like the 19 year old me who was so vulnerable.

In that moment I realized that unless you chose to end a cycle – it continues to repeat itself until you decide that you are finished with it. Thinking of this new cycle in my life, I am very aware that there are certain situations, certain emotions that I simply do not feel like carrying on over into this new cycle. The last thing I want is to relive these feelings continuously.

I am going to keep my eye on the prize, and even if this situation will prove to test me in every way possible, I will always remember that my goal is worth it. Once that step is complete, I will never again allow someone, anyone to have the power to control me that way. When I think of the future, I also refuse to continue this cycle and have a family that has to be brought into it.

You have the power to begin a new cycle, and you also have the power to end a cycle at anytime. The choice is yours, take control of your feelings and never allow others the satisfaction of thinking for one second that they can bring you down.