“The psychological and physiological center is the heart. In Hindu Tantras, which are instructions from the gods to humans, the heart is the Anahata chakra, the nerve center that encompasses feeling for another human, feeling for oneself, feeling for the earth, and feeling for God. It is the heart that enables us to love as a child loves: fully, without reservation, and with no hull of sarcasm, depreciation, or protectionism.

…the heart is the central motor of the entire psyche, the only thing that really matters now, the only thing capable of creating pure and innocent feeling.”  – Clarissa Pinkola

Despite how many times it’s been screwed, use your heart. Only then can we experience life as it was designed for us to feel.

* Book: Women Who Run with the Wolves

*Photo by: Me

Why am I taking this path again? I know where it took me last time.  I feel my legs moving forward but my heart says stop, so many craters on this path.  I walk in fear, with no happy place in sight, and things out of sync.

My heart screams caution so I take smaller steps. I can barely keep my balance; I’m weak and can feel the pressure. I reach out and grab hold of anything to break my fall and cushion the pain, but there’s nothing. I’m down.

Oddly, from the bottom I see things clearly.  With a deep exhale I realize that I’m my own worst enemy.  I am causing myself this pain by not accepting that he can’t change at my command.  Change can only happen within.

I fell hard so I would stop going in the wrong direction.  I’m hurting but like my mother once said “If you don’t learn you must feel.”  Had I continued walking, I’d be in a never ending emotional torture chamber.

This relationship isn’t safe for me, and my heart cries “I can’t do this anymore.” I loved him and held him deep in my heart.  I drowned him in my heart in hopes that he would do the same. But I’ve been lonely and fooled trying to love him. As I write I realize that this wound is the only way to recover and rebuild what was lost – the love for me.

In order to move forward, I must learn to forgive and love myself.   Forgiveness is strength which gives you the courage to persevere. The heart is strong when it’s happy and free from grudges. But if past wounds aren’t released your heart beats at a sad and nostalgic rate. Your heart will need a lifeline but it usually reaches for the same thing that makes it sick- in my case, him.

Guard your heart and forgive.  Protect it but be open to new possibilities; balance is key. You deserve to love yourself.  I’m ready to let him go and ready to love myself.

“ABOVE ALL ELSE, GUARD YOUR HEART, FOR IT IS THE WELLSPRING OF LIFE.” – KING SOLOMON

I have one of those, and for a long time I protected it with everything I had, I was afraid to lose it. Maybe I was afraid to be alone. Today, I woke up and I felt that it was drifting away, I’m not sure how I knew but I sensed it in my heart. At that moment I came to realize that there is nothing that I can do about things not going my way, absolutely nothing. I mean I could want with all my heart, but if its not meant to be, then it won’t be. So why be so afraid of losing it. I should be happy if it seems that its walking away, because then I know that something that wasn’t for me, is no longer in my life. Isn’t that better than having someone in your life who doesn’t want to be there but doesn’t know how to tell you.

I put down my armor today, I was disarmed, and I accepted the fact that more than wanting to have my way, it is important to understand and accept that your way is not always what is best for others.  I broke the cycle, I am disarmed.  I hope that one day God ables me to get my heart’s desires whatever it may be, just for the fact that I am disarmed and am letting things progress on their own, without forcing anything. I hope that what is for me, will truly be for me, whether or not that is what I want right now.

As of late, I have been seeing things with different eyes. I have been approaching the same situations with a clear and open mind. Its not something I planned, I guess I am just growing and healing. My spirit decided it was time to heal all of those wounds. I am welcoming the healing, on my knees, head in my hands, as I know I am tired of hurting and I just want to feel healed from all this pain in the past.

I woke up yesterday morning, and I felt it, I felt that little pain, little bit of sadness that lived in my heart for a long time; it was gone. Instead my heart felt complete, it felt whole, for no apparent reason. I can only say that it had been healing on its own. Maybe it started when I decided to take care of it, and to listen and be open to the situations and people in my life that only came to show me love. I think that is when it started, because  now, I can see love. I can point it out when I see it in situations, I can call its name when I see it places, I can look at love in the eyes of my friends, loved ones, family. I finally see it, all the time.

Was it always there all along? Did I just fail to see it for so long? Something happens when you start to feel your heart healing, and when you start to recognize love everywhere in familiar faces, in situations, you start to see it in places you wouldn’t expect, in strangers faces. Then you know that you never want to see anything that doesn’t resemble love, or calls itself anything other than love. You decide in that moment that you never want to feel anything but love in your heart, and you never want to go back to the moment when your heart wasn’t healed. You actually don’t remember what that feels like anymore, you’ve come so far in such a short amount of time.

For the first time, you believe that you can love; because you see love, you can call love by its name. It is no longer a stranger, so you know now with all your heart that your healing has prepared you for this moment, to love.

*s0urce

Nothing like a handwritten letter, touches the soul ! Last Wednesday My. Mr. left to go back to school, and he mailed me a letter before boarding the plane. Every morning like a little girl, I would rush to the office hoping to see it at my desk. Friday I walked it, and found the envelop on my desk… SUPER HAPPY ! Yes corny I know, but I need corny and mushy to feel happy and balance out the negativity around me.

He has no idea that his letter couldn’t have come at a better time. I feel that I am receiving all kinds of blows, and doing my best to dodge them.  He knew I would need encouragement to face my challenges, and the letter is full of it. I feel him telling me to press on through all the BS. His words, warm my heart, they make my heart smile. Every moment that I have felt sad since I received it (yes I know its only been a couple of days) I read it over and over again. I always carry it with me, I want to hold on to that feeling of happiness forever. I wish I could put it in a bottle and release it when I feel I need it. Since I can’t do that, I will carry it with me everywhere  and whenever I need to feel loved, and want to feel happy I will read it.

Thank you my love, you manage to be a source of joy despite the distance.

What I do know is that I am glad that I always listened to myself when it came to matters between him and I, as no one could possibly advise me on my heart’s matters. When everyone told me this was a dead end, I knew it wasn’t. When everyone told me that I was crazy and he had no good intentions for me, I knew they didn’t know what they were talking about. I don’t know how I knew but my heart told me and I listened to my voice. I may have doubted it sometimes but a little part of me knew that my heart wouldn’t lead me wrong.

Today I can say that, no matter what others say, you should always do what you feel in your heart to be best for you. How can you expect others to know what would best work for you. When they tell you it is impossible, listen to your heart and follow it to the end. If it is indeed impossible at least you will have followed your heart’s desire and gotten to the truth of the matter on your own accords. If it isn’t for that then how will you ever know…